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Sarasota News Leader IMAGINE AN AFTERNOON BRIEFING AT THE SARASOTA PD …. OPINION November 16, 2012 By Stan Zimmerman City Editor COMMENTARY "Hey sergeant, I my car before coming on shift, can I —?" forgot to fill up "No you can't, Worthheimer. Just sit down. OK, everybody, listen up. This is the regular Wednesday brief on the homeless. City Com- mission asked us to do something because Madame Mayor didn't feel safe downtown. We've been all over it. For weeks now, it's been getting hard to find any homeless down- town." "Sarge, I found one sleeping inside a dump- ster two nights ago. That's how hard they're hiding. " "Yeah, yeah, good work, Delfin. Keep your eyes open. Now Officer Snodgassed has the tip of the week. Randy…." "This'll be my last time up, boys. Internal Af- fairs rousted me for some bogus thing about lying to lawyers and fraudulent claims for dis- ability. So I'm taking my pension and moving on. But before I do, I got the best trick yet." "Damn, Randy, we're gonna miss you. Your sneaky tricks are the best." "Well, thanks, Worthheimer. Listen up: This one'll drive 'em crazy. You know those pic- nic shelters we have in parks across the city? Well, some of 'em have lights and some of 'em have power receptacles." Snodgassed paused. "You catch some street trash plug- gin' into that receptacle with a boom box or cell phone charger or anything, and POW, it's theft! Stealin' city power. Easy $500 bond, so this guy's going overnight to the jail. And … this is the best part … you get to put the de- vice into evidence, so he'll play hell getting it back anytime soon. Maybe never!" "Oh, sweet!" said Delfin. "The guy's cut off. No friends; no family; no nobody. The ultimate 'Get lost, chump.'" "And now that we have those infrared viewers thanks to Homeland Security, we can stake these places out," said the sergeant. "Guy's not gonna get too far from his phone, ya know." "So how many of these public receptacles are out there, Sarge?" asked Delfin. "We got maps from Public Works for you. Here, pass 'em down." "Say, Sarge, what are we gonna do when that guy Stephen King shows up again with his Chevy Volt? Don't he plug into public power?" "Yeah," said Wortheimer. "Maybe we should roust him, too?" "Back off, dummies. He ain't no homeless. He's drivin' a $50,000 car, livin' on Casey Key. You see him, you say, 'Sir.' No business of yours where he gets his power." "See you guys," said Snodgassed. "Good hunt- ing!" % Page 61